Whaaaaaa! Just some free writing.

Too many days gone by and too much neglect.  I am in deep water, no one cares but me, no one sees but me.  So many thoughts run through my head.... I am hungry.... I eat food.  I am not hungry for food.  What is it that I need.  The weight is coming on fast... I care,  I don't care.... Food is medication, food is a faulty tool or relief of pain, suffering, anxiety and emotions I can't begin to understand.  I never thought in a million years this would be me, this would turn into me... I was always too good for that.  Some days, I just feel like I don't want to be alive.  I don't want to exist.  Is that the depression talking or is it that I can't handle my emotions, feelings and fears.  Anorexia made it easy to not feel things, pain was gone.  I had tremendous power to restrict, on my own terms.  Now things have gone apeshit.  I don't want to be anorexic, I just don't want to be fat either.  I also just want to figure out what is going on with me, why is this happening WHY!

I am reading... and going to start some CBT/DBT books on all this shitty craziness.  I pray it helps.  I have a life in which I can't just go to some full time luxury treatment center. Nor can I live like this one more day.  The hard thing is, is that I have had a hundred "new days" and "start overs" when will be the last one?  I can't trust myself. I am disgusted and defeated and so alone.  I must try, if I don't try then what good will come of it.  I certainly can't live this way much longer... what choice do I have.  What IF I didn't succeed, what will happen to me?!?!?  I have no idea, so I don't even want to go that route.  So I must begin today, to get healthy and explore the emotions and feelings and addictions that I have.  Food I have learned is an addiction.  I never believed it before, never, thought it was a big joke.  Well no it isn't.  It is real and NO I am not putting blame on that, nor reducing my sense of responsibility or whatever, but I have to know that it isn't 100% that I am a shitbag with a big-fat-cow-mouth.  I do fine usually with food and dieting, FUCK I spent years and years underweight just easy peasy, so why now the bullshit.  Well once sugar of any form touches my mouth, I literally feel the dopamine release in my brain.  The rush, is unreal and like what I imagine crack to be like is how sugar is like. I would kill for a chocolate or some kind of sweet thing.  Before I know it thousands of calories are gone, and the fatter and fatter I get.

Chewing and spitting 

WTF, so gross, and discusting.  My little secret.  Fat little secret.


I might as well through out there that I had (have) a big chewing and spitting problem, that is another ol addiction type fucked up thought process.  I have never been big into purging.  I mean I guess this is my sense of purging. It is like cheating really.  I get to taste the food but never swallow it.  I do think that about 25% gets down the shoot though.  But the amounts of things that you can taste is unreal.  BUT it is the most disgusting thing I have ever done and it just is a means to limit the excessive calories in the event that I want to or do binge.  Purging, if I didn't know any better I would do that too.  Too bad it is the most fucked up thing you can do to your body, and well, I never was able to vomit much, so WTF is the use.

UGH! This is my life, poooooor me, get a grip is what I tell myself.  I only hope that writing this provides me some catharsis.  I certainly have to keep this under wraps in my real life.  Heaven forbid I fight the stigma of eating disorders and mental health, Pffffft imagine that.

I hope to write exactly what I do, feel, think and whatever. I don't give a shit if my writing and spelling are less than stellar.  I mean, really do I need one more thing to be stressed and obsessed about.  I am sick of pleasing others anyways.  FUCK that!

One more thing about this shit.  Food.  I love food.  I think about it more than men think about sex, which is what 757 times a day.  No really.  I obsess about it, the taste of it, the amounts, the sources, the calories the meals, the times, the foodprep the grocery store, the cooking, the hunger, the fullness, the dieting... and more dieting and more dieting.  I know, being a recent anorexic I shouldn't be "dieting" but I think I might loose my ever loving mind if I don't lose the weight I so gluttonously put on.  I KNOW that this is almost a set of for complete and utter failure that the binge cycle will just get worse, grow and never end.  The two things that are culprit are dieting and restricting certain foods.  WELL I am a little touch of anorexic so I hope that my willpower or should I say control will help me along with a bit of determination.  Does this mean I plan to be an anorexic, NO NO NO NO NO! But I want to get to a comfy weight so I can stop obsessing about it and work on a better relationship with food.  OR have no relationship with food, after all food isn't a person it is nourishment.  The whole problem is the mind connected to it, the emotions and feelings.  This needs to be a little objective, then I can maybe try to be normal.

Really quick, while my OCD brain is thinking of it, I want to jot down thoughts of chocolate, my true and utter passion and downfall.  Say I am at a party or visiting family or whatever.  I literally obsess about the dessert or the treats or the sweets... I hate that, I have some I want 5 servings.  I am not like that with other foods, not one bit. I Can do without Taco bell or Burgerking or even homemade goodness like mac & cheese or pizza, it does nothing for me.  The sugar, that is my crack my crack.  My crack.  Not that I really know what crack is, that is what I can only think to compare it to.  I do feel alone, but I know that I am not.  I know that somewhere in this crazy world some other lovely woman is like me and who understands.  That has some comfort.  I feel a little less like a freak.  I envy naturally thin people, people who can give two flying fucks about food.  They enjoy it and carry on.  I have had glimpses of that I have been a reach away from maintaining that.  Only to sabotage it... Whatever!

So that was one clusterfuck of a post so I think I will try to focus more on one thing next time and try to organize my thoughts, feelings and goals.

I want recovery, I want to be okay.  I want to help others and I want to stop this.

Self help books here I come...