fatty-mic-fat pants

No really, to be totally honest this fat gain business is for the birds... ha ha, no I am being sarcastic yet honest with how I feel.  While I am a few days binge-free (go me) I am still freshly wounded and need lots of care, like a coma patient that is damaged but still hanging in there.  Maybe that was not such a great analogy after all, who knows.  I go through the day thinking of what I want to say here, what I am thinking and it just flashes by thought after thought.  I am on a balance beam of wanting to be brutally honest yet sugar coat recovery so that people won't think I am a lost cause or get discouraged or irritated at my musings.

So as I mentioned somewhere, maybe in my intro.  I have gained weight, a LOT of weight in the last couple months especially.  Why, I have no idea truthfully, well some hypothesizes but nothing concrete.  Stress is one I am sure, there happens to be, in my belief some addictive quality to food, and I think I got caught up in that.  I am now a believer in brain circuitry that is altered by food and the whole reward system.  F*CK!  The way I felt in the worst days, waking up at night dying DYING for sweets... the thoughts, the thoughts don't stop.  Well for the past few days they have but *PRAY* they stay away.

As I have no way to go to therapy therapy at the moment, I am doing a few CBT/DBT self help books.  I have serious issues with food, anorexia is still swarming my mind, although I think chemically/biologically I have recovered. Or it is that my ED took a turn for another outlet.... I would rather be skinny and f*cked up to be honest.  Anyways focus Sally focus!

So my weight, who cares right?  No one!  No one BUT me.  So that is a little paradoxical but it is true and it does matter.  I am not "overweight" by BMI standards, or most people's standards, but I am to me and if I were to see me as another person I would see a slightly over-fat person.  I am ALL belly, face... and tight ass clothes.

My weight has been a yo-yo my whole life.  Recently anorexic and that was HELL, I was sick, very sick and weak and just not good.  Something happened (specifically) and I started eating agian... except I don't have an intuitive ability to eat, you know, normal.  Never have, maybe never ever will.  Hopefully, but I see this ED as a chronic illness, and anyone that says otherwise is lying to themselves.  So instead of trying to fight it, I might as well try to adjust in a productive adaptive manor.  This means controlling my food intake to some extent.  The past years shenanigans and less care over food has spiraled me into eating like a crazy person, embarrassing, stuffing my fat little face, and cheating by chewing and spitting when the going got tough.

so now I sit here, a whole 4 days fresh from bingeing and I am "dieting", now I know this is a cardinal sin to recovery from binge/bulimic ED, but I am rebelling and hoping for the best.  IF it doesn't work, I will have to suck it up, be fat and try to eat normally.... whatever the F*CK that is.  So as I hope to get back to a Sally reasonable weight I also want to not become anorexic again either.  I don't think I can just will myself into anorexia, that is not how anorexia works.  To be honest I never thought after years of being a stubborn bitch that I would recover (weight wise) but I did, and did and did... yeeeps!

I hate eating... I Love eating.... I hate always thinking about food.  I hate people commenting on what I eat.. whether it be too little or too much.

I used to wonder, even as a fat person in the past how people binge.  Why?  how could someone eat SO much food, really???!?!  Well, now I know :-(  Although I never have drove to the store to buy shit loads of stuff to eat, nor have I gone through 4 drive-threw's to stuff myself with shit.  But I have don't it at home and other peoples homes, you know, when the stuff is available.  I have thought of going outside of the house, but in some way, in my mind that is a point of no return, a dead-man's land.  In my mind that is like mental-suicide.  I would lose it once the high was over.

So now I sit here and wonder, who else is going through this right now.  I feel alone, I know I am not but it feels that way.  I have so much to do to look forward to, but the sheer thought of dieting makes me want to put my head in the sand, like an ostrich... for real.  Oh well, life sucks sometimes.

So double-pronged approach.  Goal #1 NO binges, Goal #2 lose the excess weight I have gained (~12 lbs) which will take forever and a day to lose but I swear after that I am NOT going to go ape-shit like I have these past few months.

PRAY the thoughts stop and the compulsions cease.