satiety

What and when if ever will I get this again.

I think I ate 14 yogurts today


That is all I wanted so far.  Gah!


I am full, but not full.  Is this my ED or is it my faulty brain and its misfiring of neurotransmitters and chemicals.

I want to go to bed.

Must must must focus, go forward and move on.

Must do DBT books today and stay on track


Goal- no bingeing, focus on getting my brain in line with my body and lose some damn weight in the process.

I feel fat

Fat is not a feeling

hyperphagia

Yup, I is hungry just can't seem to fill up.  So much for that diet I started eh!  Meh!

I think I kinda knew this in the back of my head, but you know we have to protect ourselves.  Give ourselves hope... I have to keep hoping.  So try try I will, BUT I refuse to spin my wheels.   Doing a LOT of DBT self work-books, okay I missed a few days, but I am back at it starting tomorrow.  Really if I don't I am just hurting myself.

I love reading (some) blogs.  Very cool to see so many different kinds of people.  What annoys me is that SO many of them are ED.  Which is fine, I mean look at me, I am a hot mess, however at least I am aware and trying to work through it.  I see these blogs and with a cult following and I am like HUH??!?!?  WTF. It is hard not to go back and look, like driving by a car wreck, you just have to look.  Maybe that is what the others are doing too, sugar coating and gloating in their own issues or it makes them feel better to see someone else sick, because that is what it is, sick.  OR perhaps it makes them feel "normal" like there is nothing wrong with them, they are all the same mish-mosh of orthrexia-anorexia-binge-bulimic-over-exercised-food obsessed girls that get off on each others crazy food concoctions and combinations that you would only see in the blog world or the world of girls with these disorders and issues.  I mean it is amazing to know exactly what someone's breakfast is going to be, some form of cereal with a tsp of pb on top and protein powder almond milk or some crazy shit.  Then lunch is broccoli and chicken and maybe some ketchup.  IT really disgusts me and I feel guilty about that, as I have my own crazy idiotic and embarrassing ED behaviors and thoughts, but at least I don't prance around acting like I don't have a problem, or living in a world that pretends everything is hunky dory.

I would post links to some offenders but I will forgo that for now.

fatty-mic-fat pants

No really, to be totally honest this fat gain business is for the birds... ha ha, no I am being sarcastic yet honest with how I feel.  While I am a few days binge-free (go me) I am still freshly wounded and need lots of care, like a coma patient that is damaged but still hanging in there.  Maybe that was not such a great analogy after all, who knows.  I go through the day thinking of what I want to say here, what I am thinking and it just flashes by thought after thought.  I am on a balance beam of wanting to be brutally honest yet sugar coat recovery so that people won't think I am a lost cause or get discouraged or irritated at my musings.

So as I mentioned somewhere, maybe in my intro.  I have gained weight, a LOT of weight in the last couple months especially.  Why, I have no idea truthfully, well some hypothesizes but nothing concrete.  Stress is one I am sure, there happens to be, in my belief some addictive quality to food, and I think I got caught up in that.  I am now a believer in brain circuitry that is altered by food and the whole reward system.  F*CK!  The way I felt in the worst days, waking up at night dying DYING for sweets... the thoughts, the thoughts don't stop.  Well for the past few days they have but *PRAY* they stay away.

As I have no way to go to therapy therapy at the moment, I am doing a few CBT/DBT self help books.  I have serious issues with food, anorexia is still swarming my mind, although I think chemically/biologically I have recovered. Or it is that my ED took a turn for another outlet.... I would rather be skinny and f*cked up to be honest.  Anyways focus Sally focus!

So my weight, who cares right?  No one!  No one BUT me.  So that is a little paradoxical but it is true and it does matter.  I am not "overweight" by BMI standards, or most people's standards, but I am to me and if I were to see me as another person I would see a slightly over-fat person.  I am ALL belly, face... and tight ass clothes.

My weight has been a yo-yo my whole life.  Recently anorexic and that was HELL, I was sick, very sick and weak and just not good.  Something happened (specifically) and I started eating agian... except I don't have an intuitive ability to eat, you know, normal.  Never have, maybe never ever will.  Hopefully, but I see this ED as a chronic illness, and anyone that says otherwise is lying to themselves.  So instead of trying to fight it, I might as well try to adjust in a productive adaptive manor.  This means controlling my food intake to some extent.  The past years shenanigans and less care over food has spiraled me into eating like a crazy person, embarrassing, stuffing my fat little face, and cheating by chewing and spitting when the going got tough.

so now I sit here, a whole 4 days fresh from bingeing and I am "dieting", now I know this is a cardinal sin to recovery from binge/bulimic ED, but I am rebelling and hoping for the best.  IF it doesn't work, I will have to suck it up, be fat and try to eat normally.... whatever the F*CK that is.  So as I hope to get back to a Sally reasonable weight I also want to not become anorexic again either.  I don't think I can just will myself into anorexia, that is not how anorexia works.  To be honest I never thought after years of being a stubborn bitch that I would recover (weight wise) but I did, and did and did... yeeeps!

I hate eating... I Love eating.... I hate always thinking about food.  I hate people commenting on what I eat.. whether it be too little or too much.

I used to wonder, even as a fat person in the past how people binge.  Why?  how could someone eat SO much food, really???!?!  Well, now I know :-(  Although I never have drove to the store to buy shit loads of stuff to eat, nor have I gone through 4 drive-threw's to stuff myself with shit.  But I have don't it at home and other peoples homes, you know, when the stuff is available.  I have thought of going outside of the house, but in some way, in my mind that is a point of no return, a dead-man's land.  In my mind that is like mental-suicide.  I would lose it once the high was over.

So now I sit here and wonder, who else is going through this right now.  I feel alone, I know I am not but it feels that way.  I have so much to do to look forward to, but the sheer thought of dieting makes me want to put my head in the sand, like an ostrich... for real.  Oh well, life sucks sometimes.

So double-pronged approach.  Goal #1 NO binges, Goal #2 lose the excess weight I have gained (~12 lbs) which will take forever and a day to lose but I swear after that I am NOT going to go ape-shit like I have these past few months.

PRAY the thoughts stop and the compulsions cease.

Whaaaaaa! Just some free writing.

Too many days gone by and too much neglect.  I am in deep water, no one cares but me, no one sees but me.  So many thoughts run through my head.... I am hungry.... I eat food.  I am not hungry for food.  What is it that I need.  The weight is coming on fast... I care,  I don't care.... Food is medication, food is a faulty tool or relief of pain, suffering, anxiety and emotions I can't begin to understand.  I never thought in a million years this would be me, this would turn into me... I was always too good for that.  Some days, I just feel like I don't want to be alive.  I don't want to exist.  Is that the depression talking or is it that I can't handle my emotions, feelings and fears.  Anorexia made it easy to not feel things, pain was gone.  I had tremendous power to restrict, on my own terms.  Now things have gone apeshit.  I don't want to be anorexic, I just don't want to be fat either.  I also just want to figure out what is going on with me, why is this happening WHY!

I am reading... and going to start some CBT/DBT books on all this shitty craziness.  I pray it helps.  I have a life in which I can't just go to some full time luxury treatment center. Nor can I live like this one more day.  The hard thing is, is that I have had a hundred "new days" and "start overs" when will be the last one?  I can't trust myself. I am disgusted and defeated and so alone.  I must try, if I don't try then what good will come of it.  I certainly can't live this way much longer... what choice do I have.  What IF I didn't succeed, what will happen to me?!?!?  I have no idea, so I don't even want to go that route.  So I must begin today, to get healthy and explore the emotions and feelings and addictions that I have.  Food I have learned is an addiction.  I never believed it before, never, thought it was a big joke.  Well no it isn't.  It is real and NO I am not putting blame on that, nor reducing my sense of responsibility or whatever, but I have to know that it isn't 100% that I am a shitbag with a big-fat-cow-mouth.  I do fine usually with food and dieting, FUCK I spent years and years underweight just easy peasy, so why now the bullshit.  Well once sugar of any form touches my mouth, I literally feel the dopamine release in my brain.  The rush, is unreal and like what I imagine crack to be like is how sugar is like. I would kill for a chocolate or some kind of sweet thing.  Before I know it thousands of calories are gone, and the fatter and fatter I get.

Chewing and spitting 

WTF, so gross, and discusting.  My little secret.  Fat little secret.


I might as well through out there that I had (have) a big chewing and spitting problem, that is another ol addiction type fucked up thought process.  I have never been big into purging.  I mean I guess this is my sense of purging. It is like cheating really.  I get to taste the food but never swallow it.  I do think that about 25% gets down the shoot though.  But the amounts of things that you can taste is unreal.  BUT it is the most disgusting thing I have ever done and it just is a means to limit the excessive calories in the event that I want to or do binge.  Purging, if I didn't know any better I would do that too.  Too bad it is the most fucked up thing you can do to your body, and well, I never was able to vomit much, so WTF is the use.

UGH! This is my life, poooooor me, get a grip is what I tell myself.  I only hope that writing this provides me some catharsis.  I certainly have to keep this under wraps in my real life.  Heaven forbid I fight the stigma of eating disorders and mental health, Pffffft imagine that.

I hope to write exactly what I do, feel, think and whatever. I don't give a shit if my writing and spelling are less than stellar.  I mean, really do I need one more thing to be stressed and obsessed about.  I am sick of pleasing others anyways.  FUCK that!

One more thing about this shit.  Food.  I love food.  I think about it more than men think about sex, which is what 757 times a day.  No really.  I obsess about it, the taste of it, the amounts, the sources, the calories the meals, the times, the foodprep the grocery store, the cooking, the hunger, the fullness, the dieting... and more dieting and more dieting.  I know, being a recent anorexic I shouldn't be "dieting" but I think I might loose my ever loving mind if I don't lose the weight I so gluttonously put on.  I KNOW that this is almost a set of for complete and utter failure that the binge cycle will just get worse, grow and never end.  The two things that are culprit are dieting and restricting certain foods.  WELL I am a little touch of anorexic so I hope that my willpower or should I say control will help me along with a bit of determination.  Does this mean I plan to be an anorexic, NO NO NO NO NO! But I want to get to a comfy weight so I can stop obsessing about it and work on a better relationship with food.  OR have no relationship with food, after all food isn't a person it is nourishment.  The whole problem is the mind connected to it, the emotions and feelings.  This needs to be a little objective, then I can maybe try to be normal.

Really quick, while my OCD brain is thinking of it, I want to jot down thoughts of chocolate, my true and utter passion and downfall.  Say I am at a party or visiting family or whatever.  I literally obsess about the dessert or the treats or the sweets... I hate that, I have some I want 5 servings.  I am not like that with other foods, not one bit. I Can do without Taco bell or Burgerking or even homemade goodness like mac & cheese or pizza, it does nothing for me.  The sugar, that is my crack my crack.  My crack.  Not that I really know what crack is, that is what I can only think to compare it to.  I do feel alone, but I know that I am not.  I know that somewhere in this crazy world some other lovely woman is like me and who understands.  That has some comfort.  I feel a little less like a freak.  I envy naturally thin people, people who can give two flying fucks about food.  They enjoy it and carry on.  I have had glimpses of that I have been a reach away from maintaining that.  Only to sabotage it... Whatever!

So that was one clusterfuck of a post so I think I will try to focus more on one thing next time and try to organize my thoughts, feelings and goals.

I want recovery, I want to be okay.  I want to help others and I want to stop this.

Self help books here I come...

First post anxiety.... GAH!

For many nights I have been planning to start this blog up, just as a place to write down what I am thinking or feeling.  I have to do this to help get me better, and perhaps entertain some board sole that stumbles upon this in the middle of the day or night.  I can't guarentee this will be a place of extreme entertainment but hopefully will be a blog that is real, RAW and HONEST.  YUP, I got lots to say and I have lots that needs to be said, for myself and for others.  Where to begin is the big question, what to address.  Do that for you or for me first.  I guess I should tackle both.  I did a small intro.... "about me"  I guess I should elaborate a bit, although as I write this I am in dire need of sleep.  I am struggling with eating disorder related issues.  They form and transform like sneaky little devils, they sure do.  My ultimate goal is to become as normal as possible.  Go back to my roots, yet be cognizant of my choices to you know, find that balance in life.  What is normal you might ask?  Normal is not having to eat fake shit.  Normal is not considering vitamins and coffee as your meal 4 for the day.  Normal is not having to feel the need to eat X amount of meals everyday (DUMB) and certainly NOT obsessing over "clean-retarded" foods.  Now way Jose!  That is just dumb, can I say that word one more time... LOL!  I read many blogs here, I have a lot of friends with blogs, I also see many blogs that make me want to poke myself in the eye with a pen.  I am a hypocrite I guess in some ways, but I hate nothing more than reading a blog, seeing an eating disorder of some kind and the person has no idea, is in denial and their followers are also doing the same thing,  it truly fucking amazes me.  I digress, here you will find a hard working chick trying to fight all the battles and troubles of eating disordered thoughts and behaviors and just live... I will fuck up of course, we all do.  But the trying is what matters, right!  ED is like a chronic disease, you always have it, at some level.   I will also present yummy things, well because I am a dessert whore and I love chocolate.  Although lately it has been my worst enemy but I refuse to let that control me and I am taking charge, and DAMN it I will enjoy my treats, in moderation of course!  

Well more tomorrow nighty-night!