what a day, what a day

Meh.  Not a good day, could be worse I suppose.  I have seemed to have fallen into the clutches of brain circuitry gone wrong.  WTF!  I can blame a bit of it on other things besides my lack of will power, I mean if that were the case, I had plenty of will power for many years, now all of a sudden I don't.

This is how I feel, I don't look like her, a lot fatter... boooooo!  But this is my head, my mind and only 70,000 calories away from similar shaped image.

I know I sound like an immature-eating-disorder-freakaszoid, but whatever at least I am keeping it real.  I can't tell you how many glitzed up stupid jazzy blogs I come accross that I just want to utterly roll my eyes in the back of my borderline head.  Really, so many of us are not mentally "right" but pretend we are.  What a joke.

Anyways, goal is to get better, not sulk in this misery bullshit.  I want to be a success story, yes, even in the wake of this ED which is a chronic illness, don't kid yourself.

I have officially gained like 17 lbs in a month, how in the F*ck that happened I have no idea, well at least 10 lbs of it is a mystery.

I am planning to diet, do my DBT and get this shit under control.  I am going to see a therapist and I would like to get the focus of this pathetic blog geared in a new direction.  I have hopes, and dreams and aspirations and this self-sabatoge is not only killing me it is a straight up bore to those around me, if not somewhat annoying.

So, my limited readers, we shall try to do better.  Focus focus focus.