what a day, what a day

Meh.  Not a good day, could be worse I suppose.  I have seemed to have fallen into the clutches of brain circuitry gone wrong.  WTF!  I can blame a bit of it on other things besides my lack of will power, I mean if that were the case, I had plenty of will power for many years, now all of a sudden I don't.

This is how I feel, I don't look like her, a lot fatter... boooooo!  But this is my head, my mind and only 70,000 calories away from similar shaped image.

I know I sound like an immature-eating-disorder-freakaszoid, but whatever at least I am keeping it real.  I can't tell you how many glitzed up stupid jazzy blogs I come accross that I just want to utterly roll my eyes in the back of my borderline head.  Really, so many of us are not mentally "right" but pretend we are.  What a joke.

Anyways, goal is to get better, not sulk in this misery bullshit.  I want to be a success story, yes, even in the wake of this ED which is a chronic illness, don't kid yourself.

I have officially gained like 17 lbs in a month, how in the F*ck that happened I have no idea, well at least 10 lbs of it is a mystery.

I am planning to diet, do my DBT and get this shit under control.  I am going to see a therapist and I would like to get the focus of this pathetic blog geared in a new direction.  I have hopes, and dreams and aspirations and this self-sabatoge is not only killing me it is a straight up bore to those around me, if not somewhat annoying.

So, my limited readers, we shall try to do better.  Focus focus focus.

fatty-mic-fat pants

No really, to be totally honest this fat gain business is for the birds... ha ha, no I am being sarcastic yet honest with how I feel.  While I am a few days binge-free (go me) I am still freshly wounded and need lots of care, like a coma patient that is damaged but still hanging in there.  Maybe that was not such a great analogy after all, who knows.  I go through the day thinking of what I want to say here, what I am thinking and it just flashes by thought after thought.  I am on a balance beam of wanting to be brutally honest yet sugar coat recovery so that people won't think I am a lost cause or get discouraged or irritated at my musings.

So as I mentioned somewhere, maybe in my intro.  I have gained weight, a LOT of weight in the last couple months especially.  Why, I have no idea truthfully, well some hypothesizes but nothing concrete.  Stress is one I am sure, there happens to be, in my belief some addictive quality to food, and I think I got caught up in that.  I am now a believer in brain circuitry that is altered by food and the whole reward system.  F*CK!  The way I felt in the worst days, waking up at night dying DYING for sweets... the thoughts, the thoughts don't stop.  Well for the past few days they have but *PRAY* they stay away.

As I have no way to go to therapy therapy at the moment, I am doing a few CBT/DBT self help books.  I have serious issues with food, anorexia is still swarming my mind, although I think chemically/biologically I have recovered. Or it is that my ED took a turn for another outlet.... I would rather be skinny and f*cked up to be honest.  Anyways focus Sally focus!

So my weight, who cares right?  No one!  No one BUT me.  So that is a little paradoxical but it is true and it does matter.  I am not "overweight" by BMI standards, or most people's standards, but I am to me and if I were to see me as another person I would see a slightly over-fat person.  I am ALL belly, face... and tight ass clothes.

My weight has been a yo-yo my whole life.  Recently anorexic and that was HELL, I was sick, very sick and weak and just not good.  Something happened (specifically) and I started eating agian... except I don't have an intuitive ability to eat, you know, normal.  Never have, maybe never ever will.  Hopefully, but I see this ED as a chronic illness, and anyone that says otherwise is lying to themselves.  So instead of trying to fight it, I might as well try to adjust in a productive adaptive manor.  This means controlling my food intake to some extent.  The past years shenanigans and less care over food has spiraled me into eating like a crazy person, embarrassing, stuffing my fat little face, and cheating by chewing and spitting when the going got tough.

so now I sit here, a whole 4 days fresh from bingeing and I am "dieting", now I know this is a cardinal sin to recovery from binge/bulimic ED, but I am rebelling and hoping for the best.  IF it doesn't work, I will have to suck it up, be fat and try to eat normally.... whatever the F*CK that is.  So as I hope to get back to a Sally reasonable weight I also want to not become anorexic again either.  I don't think I can just will myself into anorexia, that is not how anorexia works.  To be honest I never thought after years of being a stubborn bitch that I would recover (weight wise) but I did, and did and did... yeeeps!

I hate eating... I Love eating.... I hate always thinking about food.  I hate people commenting on what I eat.. whether it be too little or too much.

I used to wonder, even as a fat person in the past how people binge.  Why?  how could someone eat SO much food, really???!?!  Well, now I know :-(  Although I never have drove to the store to buy shit loads of stuff to eat, nor have I gone through 4 drive-threw's to stuff myself with shit.  But I have don't it at home and other peoples homes, you know, when the stuff is available.  I have thought of going outside of the house, but in some way, in my mind that is a point of no return, a dead-man's land.  In my mind that is like mental-suicide.  I would lose it once the high was over.

So now I sit here and wonder, who else is going through this right now.  I feel alone, I know I am not but it feels that way.  I have so much to do to look forward to, but the sheer thought of dieting makes me want to put my head in the sand, like an ostrich... for real.  Oh well, life sucks sometimes.

So double-pronged approach.  Goal #1 NO binges, Goal #2 lose the excess weight I have gained (~12 lbs) which will take forever and a day to lose but I swear after that I am NOT going to go ape-shit like I have these past few months.

PRAY the thoughts stop and the compulsions cease.

First post anxiety.... GAH!

For many nights I have been planning to start this blog up, just as a place to write down what I am thinking or feeling.  I have to do this to help get me better, and perhaps entertain some board sole that stumbles upon this in the middle of the day or night.  I can't guarentee this will be a place of extreme entertainment but hopefully will be a blog that is real, RAW and HONEST.  YUP, I got lots to say and I have lots that needs to be said, for myself and for others.  Where to begin is the big question, what to address.  Do that for you or for me first.  I guess I should tackle both.  I did a small intro.... "about me"  I guess I should elaborate a bit, although as I write this I am in dire need of sleep.  I am struggling with eating disorder related issues.  They form and transform like sneaky little devils, they sure do.  My ultimate goal is to become as normal as possible.  Go back to my roots, yet be cognizant of my choices to you know, find that balance in life.  What is normal you might ask?  Normal is not having to eat fake shit.  Normal is not considering vitamins and coffee as your meal 4 for the day.  Normal is not having to feel the need to eat X amount of meals everyday (DUMB) and certainly NOT obsessing over "clean-retarded" foods.  Now way Jose!  That is just dumb, can I say that word one more time... LOL!  I read many blogs here, I have a lot of friends with blogs, I also see many blogs that make me want to poke myself in the eye with a pen.  I am a hypocrite I guess in some ways, but I hate nothing more than reading a blog, seeing an eating disorder of some kind and the person has no idea, is in denial and their followers are also doing the same thing,  it truly fucking amazes me.  I digress, here you will find a hard working chick trying to fight all the battles and troubles of eating disordered thoughts and behaviors and just live... I will fuck up of course, we all do.  But the trying is what matters, right!  ED is like a chronic disease, you always have it, at some level.   I will also present yummy things, well because I am a dessert whore and I love chocolate.  Although lately it has been my worst enemy but I refuse to let that control me and I am taking charge, and DAMN it I will enjoy my treats, in moderation of course!  

Well more tomorrow nighty-night!