what a day, what a day

Meh.  Not a good day, could be worse I suppose.  I have seemed to have fallen into the clutches of brain circuitry gone wrong.  WTF!  I can blame a bit of it on other things besides my lack of will power, I mean if that were the case, I had plenty of will power for many years, now all of a sudden I don't.

This is how I feel, I don't look like her, a lot fatter... boooooo!  But this is my head, my mind and only 70,000 calories away from similar shaped image.

I know I sound like an immature-eating-disorder-freakaszoid, but whatever at least I am keeping it real.  I can't tell you how many glitzed up stupid jazzy blogs I come accross that I just want to utterly roll my eyes in the back of my borderline head.  Really, so many of us are not mentally "right" but pretend we are.  What a joke.

Anyways, goal is to get better, not sulk in this misery bullshit.  I want to be a success story, yes, even in the wake of this ED which is a chronic illness, don't kid yourself.

I have officially gained like 17 lbs in a month, how in the F*ck that happened I have no idea, well at least 10 lbs of it is a mystery.

I am planning to diet, do my DBT and get this shit under control.  I am going to see a therapist and I would like to get the focus of this pathetic blog geared in a new direction.  I have hopes, and dreams and aspirations and this self-sabatoge is not only killing me it is a straight up bore to those around me, if not somewhat annoying.

So, my limited readers, we shall try to do better.  Focus focus focus.

Whaaaaaa! Just some free writing.

Too many days gone by and too much neglect.  I am in deep water, no one cares but me, no one sees but me.  So many thoughts run through my head.... I am hungry.... I eat food.  I am not hungry for food.  What is it that I need.  The weight is coming on fast... I care,  I don't care.... Food is medication, food is a faulty tool or relief of pain, suffering, anxiety and emotions I can't begin to understand.  I never thought in a million years this would be me, this would turn into me... I was always too good for that.  Some days, I just feel like I don't want to be alive.  I don't want to exist.  Is that the depression talking or is it that I can't handle my emotions, feelings and fears.  Anorexia made it easy to not feel things, pain was gone.  I had tremendous power to restrict, on my own terms.  Now things have gone apeshit.  I don't want to be anorexic, I just don't want to be fat either.  I also just want to figure out what is going on with me, why is this happening WHY!

I am reading... and going to start some CBT/DBT books on all this shitty craziness.  I pray it helps.  I have a life in which I can't just go to some full time luxury treatment center. Nor can I live like this one more day.  The hard thing is, is that I have had a hundred "new days" and "start overs" when will be the last one?  I can't trust myself. I am disgusted and defeated and so alone.  I must try, if I don't try then what good will come of it.  I certainly can't live this way much longer... what choice do I have.  What IF I didn't succeed, what will happen to me?!?!?  I have no idea, so I don't even want to go that route.  So I must begin today, to get healthy and explore the emotions and feelings and addictions that I have.  Food I have learned is an addiction.  I never believed it before, never, thought it was a big joke.  Well no it isn't.  It is real and NO I am not putting blame on that, nor reducing my sense of responsibility or whatever, but I have to know that it isn't 100% that I am a shitbag with a big-fat-cow-mouth.  I do fine usually with food and dieting, FUCK I spent years and years underweight just easy peasy, so why now the bullshit.  Well once sugar of any form touches my mouth, I literally feel the dopamine release in my brain.  The rush, is unreal and like what I imagine crack to be like is how sugar is like. I would kill for a chocolate or some kind of sweet thing.  Before I know it thousands of calories are gone, and the fatter and fatter I get.

Chewing and spitting 

WTF, so gross, and discusting.  My little secret.  Fat little secret.


I might as well through out there that I had (have) a big chewing and spitting problem, that is another ol addiction type fucked up thought process.  I have never been big into purging.  I mean I guess this is my sense of purging. It is like cheating really.  I get to taste the food but never swallow it.  I do think that about 25% gets down the shoot though.  But the amounts of things that you can taste is unreal.  BUT it is the most disgusting thing I have ever done and it just is a means to limit the excessive calories in the event that I want to or do binge.  Purging, if I didn't know any better I would do that too.  Too bad it is the most fucked up thing you can do to your body, and well, I never was able to vomit much, so WTF is the use.

UGH! This is my life, poooooor me, get a grip is what I tell myself.  I only hope that writing this provides me some catharsis.  I certainly have to keep this under wraps in my real life.  Heaven forbid I fight the stigma of eating disorders and mental health, Pffffft imagine that.

I hope to write exactly what I do, feel, think and whatever. I don't give a shit if my writing and spelling are less than stellar.  I mean, really do I need one more thing to be stressed and obsessed about.  I am sick of pleasing others anyways.  FUCK that!

One more thing about this shit.  Food.  I love food.  I think about it more than men think about sex, which is what 757 times a day.  No really.  I obsess about it, the taste of it, the amounts, the sources, the calories the meals, the times, the foodprep the grocery store, the cooking, the hunger, the fullness, the dieting... and more dieting and more dieting.  I know, being a recent anorexic I shouldn't be "dieting" but I think I might loose my ever loving mind if I don't lose the weight I so gluttonously put on.  I KNOW that this is almost a set of for complete and utter failure that the binge cycle will just get worse, grow and never end.  The two things that are culprit are dieting and restricting certain foods.  WELL I am a little touch of anorexic so I hope that my willpower or should I say control will help me along with a bit of determination.  Does this mean I plan to be an anorexic, NO NO NO NO NO! But I want to get to a comfy weight so I can stop obsessing about it and work on a better relationship with food.  OR have no relationship with food, after all food isn't a person it is nourishment.  The whole problem is the mind connected to it, the emotions and feelings.  This needs to be a little objective, then I can maybe try to be normal.

Really quick, while my OCD brain is thinking of it, I want to jot down thoughts of chocolate, my true and utter passion and downfall.  Say I am at a party or visiting family or whatever.  I literally obsess about the dessert or the treats or the sweets... I hate that, I have some I want 5 servings.  I am not like that with other foods, not one bit. I Can do without Taco bell or Burgerking or even homemade goodness like mac & cheese or pizza, it does nothing for me.  The sugar, that is my crack my crack.  My crack.  Not that I really know what crack is, that is what I can only think to compare it to.  I do feel alone, but I know that I am not.  I know that somewhere in this crazy world some other lovely woman is like me and who understands.  That has some comfort.  I feel a little less like a freak.  I envy naturally thin people, people who can give two flying fucks about food.  They enjoy it and carry on.  I have had glimpses of that I have been a reach away from maintaining that.  Only to sabotage it... Whatever!

So that was one clusterfuck of a post so I think I will try to focus more on one thing next time and try to organize my thoughts, feelings and goals.

I want recovery, I want to be okay.  I want to help others and I want to stop this.

Self help books here I come...

First post anxiety.... GAH!

For many nights I have been planning to start this blog up, just as a place to write down what I am thinking or feeling.  I have to do this to help get me better, and perhaps entertain some board sole that stumbles upon this in the middle of the day or night.  I can't guarentee this will be a place of extreme entertainment but hopefully will be a blog that is real, RAW and HONEST.  YUP, I got lots to say and I have lots that needs to be said, for myself and for others.  Where to begin is the big question, what to address.  Do that for you or for me first.  I guess I should tackle both.  I did a small intro.... "about me"  I guess I should elaborate a bit, although as I write this I am in dire need of sleep.  I am struggling with eating disorder related issues.  They form and transform like sneaky little devils, they sure do.  My ultimate goal is to become as normal as possible.  Go back to my roots, yet be cognizant of my choices to you know, find that balance in life.  What is normal you might ask?  Normal is not having to eat fake shit.  Normal is not considering vitamins and coffee as your meal 4 for the day.  Normal is not having to feel the need to eat X amount of meals everyday (DUMB) and certainly NOT obsessing over "clean-retarded" foods.  Now way Jose!  That is just dumb, can I say that word one more time... LOL!  I read many blogs here, I have a lot of friends with blogs, I also see many blogs that make me want to poke myself in the eye with a pen.  I am a hypocrite I guess in some ways, but I hate nothing more than reading a blog, seeing an eating disorder of some kind and the person has no idea, is in denial and their followers are also doing the same thing,  it truly fucking amazes me.  I digress, here you will find a hard working chick trying to fight all the battles and troubles of eating disordered thoughts and behaviors and just live... I will fuck up of course, we all do.  But the trying is what matters, right!  ED is like a chronic disease, you always have it, at some level.   I will also present yummy things, well because I am a dessert whore and I love chocolate.  Although lately it has been my worst enemy but I refuse to let that control me and I am taking charge, and DAMN it I will enjoy my treats, in moderation of course!  

Well more tomorrow nighty-night!