First post anxiety.... GAH!

For many nights I have been planning to start this blog up, just as a place to write down what I am thinking or feeling.  I have to do this to help get me better, and perhaps entertain some board sole that stumbles upon this in the middle of the day or night.  I can't guarentee this will be a place of extreme entertainment but hopefully will be a blog that is real, RAW and HONEST.  YUP, I got lots to say and I have lots that needs to be said, for myself and for others.  Where to begin is the big question, what to address.  Do that for you or for me first.  I guess I should tackle both.  I did a small intro.... "about me"  I guess I should elaborate a bit, although as I write this I am in dire need of sleep.  I am struggling with eating disorder related issues.  They form and transform like sneaky little devils, they sure do.  My ultimate goal is to become as normal as possible.  Go back to my roots, yet be cognizant of my choices to you know, find that balance in life.  What is normal you might ask?  Normal is not having to eat fake shit.  Normal is not considering vitamins and coffee as your meal 4 for the day.  Normal is not having to feel the need to eat X amount of meals everyday (DUMB) and certainly NOT obsessing over "clean-retarded" foods.  Now way Jose!  That is just dumb, can I say that word one more time... LOL!  I read many blogs here, I have a lot of friends with blogs, I also see many blogs that make me want to poke myself in the eye with a pen.  I am a hypocrite I guess in some ways, but I hate nothing more than reading a blog, seeing an eating disorder of some kind and the person has no idea, is in denial and their followers are also doing the same thing,  it truly fucking amazes me.  I digress, here you will find a hard working chick trying to fight all the battles and troubles of eating disordered thoughts and behaviors and just live... I will fuck up of course, we all do.  But the trying is what matters, right!  ED is like a chronic disease, you always have it, at some level.   I will also present yummy things, well because I am a dessert whore and I love chocolate.  Although lately it has been my worst enemy but I refuse to let that control me and I am taking charge, and DAMN it I will enjoy my treats, in moderation of course!  

Well more tomorrow nighty-night!